Saturday, April 11, 2009

Naughty Jokes

Desert Island
A boy is marooned on a desert island, and survives for another 10 or 15 years, when one day a young woman shows up, also apparently marooned. She asks him, "So, what do you do around here?" He replies something like, "Oh, pick coconuts, do a little fishing, and dig for clams." She asks, "What about sex?" Since he was marooned as a little boy, he has no idea. "Sex? What's that?" So she proceeds to demonstrate. "So, what do you think?" she queries. "Well, it felt real good, but look what you did to my clamdigger!"

A College Couple
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."

Bad News
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

Cold Hands
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend.When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Billy Bob
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

Doctors Office
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Experimental Surgery
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.The guy asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk,insert them in the base of his penis,and hope for the best.The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants.It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants,rolls across the table,grabs a dinner roll,and disappears back into his pants.His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments,then gets a sly look on her face.She says "That was pretty cool!Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

Fire Chief
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Fortune Machine
This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

Meet The Parents
Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

New Technology
Three men were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom.He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!

Newspaper Ad
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Office Christmas Party
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Old Accountant
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Old Millionare Lover
An old millionare bussinesman gets married to a beautiful young lady and on their first night of marriage makes love to her but she doesn't have an orgasm! This happens for many nights in a row until eventually he goes to a sex doctor. "Doctor I can't make my wife orgasm" he informs the him.
"Well, why don't you hire a young stud to stand over the bed and wave a towel while you make love to her." is the doctors suggestion.
"Ok Doc, I'll try"
So back to his wife he goes with a young stud and makes love to his wife while the young man stands above the bed and waves a towel, but still no orgasm!
Back to the doctor he goes and he is advised to make the stud stand naked and wave the towel!Back to his wife he goes and again no orgasm, by this time the old man is really annoyed!So for the last time he goes to the doctor and this time he is told to reverse the roles and let the young man make love to his wife while he waves the towel.So off he heads home and lets the stud make love to his wife. After a long, hard session the wife has a screaming orgasm, in fact she has mutiple orgasms!! The old millionare taps the young man on the shoulder with a hugh grin and says, "See, thats how you wave the towel!!!"

Old Virgin
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.
She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
Pig Shooter
One afternoon a man says to his wife,you,me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job, or we have anal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realises its one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says,well,whats it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she stars she stops and says,your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yer,the dog didn't want to go either".
Specimen Cup
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Sperm Robery
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Summer Job
A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!
Taxes Cheating
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
That`s So Ironic
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
The Dean Of Women
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
The Queen Of England
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
There Are Four Kinds Of Sex
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Three Nuns
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
Three Sisters
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
Two Hundred Bucks
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Ultimate Test
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'mknocking with?"
Which One Is Married
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Yard Work
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
You Must Be Single
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

5 Things You Never Knew Your Cell Phone Could Do

For all the folks with cell phones. (This should be printed and kept in your car, purse, and wallet.
Good information to have with you.)

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave

Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency
tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:


The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find
Yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an
Emergency, dial 11 2 and the mobile will search any existing network to
Establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly, this number 112
can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy
someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys
In the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on
their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot
From your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock
button, holding it near the mo bile phone on their end. Your car will
unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no
object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has
the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked
Our car over a cell phone!'

Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the
keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrument
will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you
charge your cell phone next time.

How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following
Digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the
screen. This number is uniqu e to your handset. Write it down and keep it
somewhere safe.

When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider
and give them this code. They will then be able to blo ck your handset
so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally
useless You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know

that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there

would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

And Finally...

Free Directory Service for Cells

< E M>Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for
411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not
carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation
even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information
option, simply dial: (800)FREE411, or (800) 373-3411 withou t incurring
any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

layakkah aku...????

Jalan kehidupan ku

Setiap hari setiap pagi

Fikiran ku tiada lain memikirkan

Kerja kerja yang harus ku lakukan

Hinggakan subuh ku pantaskan

Tiada masa untuk memuji nya..

Bagi ku solat dalam masa yg singkat adalah biasa

Dari zaman persekolahan, seitiap saat sibuk senantiasa

Kerja sekolah tidak pernah habis ku lakukannya

Bersuka beriadah masa ku habis untuknya

Hingga tiada masa menyembah tuhan yang maha esa

Bila dewasa ku mula kerjaya

Kerja berhari hari untuk masa depan ku

Sampai ke rumah, ku pulak ingin bersuka ria

Menelefon teman tapi tidak menyentuh Quran

Masa juga dihabiskan di lelaman internet

Maaf kata iman ku semakin…pudar..

Hanya hari minggu sahaja yg aku ada

Tapi ku lebih selesa pergi membeli belah

Tiada masa untuk ku singgah rumah Allah


Solat ku lima kali sehari tidak pernah ditinggalkan

Tetapi dgn masa yang begitu pantas

Tidah pernah ku megambil masa untuk berdoa

Tidak pula masa untuk menolong yg memerlukan

Kerana kerja ku terlalu byk untuk dilakukan

Tiada masa menziarahi saudara

Yg sakit yg miskin atau yg tua

Tidak pernah ingin menjadi sukarelawan

Bila berkenduri, tidak mahu berganding tangan

Hidup ku sungguh byk ketekanan

Tidak ku mengadu dgn kaum ku sendiri

Tidak ku mengadu dgn keluarga sendiri

Kerana bagi ku…..hanya membuang masa

Tidak ku pernah berkongsi tentang agama

Walaupun aku tahu, pahala mengejar agama

Tidak pernah pulah melakukan yg sunah

Ni semua..jatuhkan iman ku dari jiwa ku

Sibuk di sini sibuk di sana

Tiada masa, itu sahaja yg ku lafazkan

Pergi belajar agama..tapi sekali sekala

Kerana sibuk dgn kerja dunia.

Bekerja pagi hingga ke petang

Di katil lah pulak, di malam hari

Terlalu lelah..untuk solat sunat

Hanya lakukan..yg wajib tapi is tidak mencukupi

Tiada masa untuk memujinya

Tiada masa untuk minta keredhaanya

Walaupun ku tahu..hidup hanya sementara

Tapi tidak sedikit pun menyedarkan jiwa dan raga

Akhirmya masanya pun tiba

Ku berdiri tegak menghadapnya

Menunggu dan melihat sejarah hidup ku

Kini aku rasa kesal dgn kelakuan ku

Kenapa tidak ku beribadat waktu hidupku

Kenapa tidak ku membaca kitab sucinya

Inikah di namakan islam agama Allah??

Di akhir zaman, aku mula rasa gelisah

Aku membuang masa ku bila nyawa ku masih ada

Tetapi semuanya telah terlambat

Tiada guna ku sesal kini..

Jalan ke shurga terletak dgn kebajikan ku di dunia

Tetapi layak kah aku??…………..

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sebijak mane anda..??

Ujian Dementia
Betapa cekapnya anda!!
Di bawah ada ( 4 ) soalan dan satu soalan bonus. Anda perlu menjawab dengan pantas. Anda tidak boleh mengambil masa, perlu menjawabnya segera.
Mari cuba, lihat sendiri berapa pantas dan hebatnya diri anda.....
Ready? GO!!! (lihat bawah)
Soalan Pertama:
A nda menyertai perlumbaan. Anda mengejar dan memotong orang yang kedua.
Sekarang Anda ditempat yang ke berapa?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Jawapan: Jika jawapan anda tempat yang pertama, sudah tentu jawapan anda salah! Jika anda memotong orang kedua sudah tentu anda mengambil tempatnya, tempat kedua!
Cuba jangan lihat atas semula untuk soalan seterus.
Sekarang jawab soalan kedua, tetapi jangan ambil terlalu banyak masa seperti soalan pertama OK ?
Soalan Kedua:
J ika anda memotong tempat orang yang terakhir, jadi anda di tempat...? (lihat bawah)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Jawapan: Jika jawapan anda tempat kedua terakhir, anda salah lagi.. Jawapanya, ada tetap ni kedudukan no 2. Sebabnya, sebelum anda memotong orang terakhir, orang pertama yang berada didepan anda terlebih dahuhulu memotong orang itu..haha… anda masih kurang bijak…
Adakah anda pantas dan cerdek, tidak begitu rupanya.
Soalan Ketiga:
S oalan kira-kira bermuslihat! Perhatian: Ini mesti dilakukan tanpa menggunakan fikiran sahaja . Jangan guna kertas dan pensil atau mesen kira-kira. Cuba lah...
Ambil 1000 dan campur 40 . Sekarang campur lagi 1000 . Campur lagi 30 .... Campur lagi 1000 . Campur lagi 20 ... Campur lagi 1000 . Campur lagi 10 ... Berapa kah jumlah semua?
Lihat bawah untuk ...jawapan.. ..
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Adakah jawapan anda 5000 ?
Jawapan sebanar adalah 4100.
Jika anda tak percaya gunakan mesen kira-kira.! Mungkin ini bukan hari anda kan? Mungkin anda boleh jawab soalan yang akhir ini dengan betul ... Cuba.
Soalan keempat:
Bapa Mary ada seramai lima orang anak gadis: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
Apakah nama anak gadisnya yang terakhir?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Adakah jawapan anda Nunu? Salah! sudah tentu Salah.
Namanya Mary.
Baca semula soalan!
Okay, cuba jawab soalan bonus:
S orang bisu pergi ke mini-market untuk membeli sebatang berus gigi. Dengan mengayakan lakunan memberus gigi ia berjaya menerangkan hasratnya kepada pekedai dan ia berjaya membeli berus gigi itu.
Seterusnya, seorang buta pergi ke mini-market, untuk membeli cermin mata hitam, bagaimaa dia menerangkan kepada pekedai itu hasratnya. ...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Dia hanya membuka mulutnya dan menyebut apa yang dihajati
Mudah sahaja.
Selamat bergembira.. ... bye.

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